Supporting Survivors Pt. 1

When someone you love is being hurt, your first instinct may be to tell the person experiencing domestic violence that they need to acknowledge the issue and get out. However, sometimes that approach backfires.

When someone you love is being hurt, your first instinct may be to tell the person experiencing domestic violence that they need to acknowledge the issue and get out.

It might seem like the most obvious thing to do. If there is a problem, you want to talk about it. You want to help them recognize that they are in danger.

You may have a list of receipts a mile long for how they’re abused. You can try to remind them of the time the partner called them names, was violent with them, degraded them, keeps them isolated or put them down.

When they mention that they can’t leave or that you don’t understand, you might be tempted to think of these as excuses, but they’re also an honest reflection of how the person feels.

At some point the person being abused may act defensive and say they are happy, accuse you of being jealous, tell you to mind your business, or seem genuinely surprised. They may say that abuse is what someone else experienced or deny that they would ever “allow” anyone to abuse them.

Your loved one wants to seem strong and not weak. They don't want to feel humiliated or abused. They don't want to be a victim. That's why it's really important to be careful about the language you use. The thing is, no one in these situations enters a relationship expecting to be abused or allows themselves to be abused.

Using the approach above, you may notice that instead of “waking them up”, it puts them in a position of having to defend the person they care about (the abuser). Very few people react positively to being told that they need to wake up or leave everything they know to start a new life full of uncertainty.

You need to set the proper expectations for yourself so that you don't become another abuser in the person's life. Your job is not to rescue the abuse victim or force them to change.

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to help provide a soft spot to land when or if the person experiencing abuse chooses to leave. Think about what happens if they leave and they are not prepared to deal with the emotional and financial stress.

Victims may often feel that they are being punished and asked to give up everything they've worked hard for when they have to leave their homes. They will wonder why the abuser gets to keep the home and all the money? Real world concerns like these are why women go back to abusive relationships.

That's why it's really import to encourage developing skills that empower them to make decisions, listen but not judge, reassure them that they can make good decisions, and acknowledge their growth.

Confidence, empowerment, and feeling secure are what help people being abused start to evaluate alternatives to staying. Remember, the abuser has been sharing the most intimate moments of this person's life.

The abuser often uses threats of telling their secrets and violence. They understand exactly what events your loved one is ashamed of and knows that the victim feels like they must keep the secret of abuse. These experiences bond the victim and the victimizer together.

Leaving is a process > Supporting Domestic Violence Victims Part 2

• Learn about Abuse and Watch Survivor Stories

• What is a healthy relationship?

• What is abuse?

• Intimate Partner Violence aka domestic abuse

• Recognizing Domestic Abuse

• Violence against men & boys

• Domestic abuse +children

• Domestic violence programs in DFW

• What is a safety plan?