Recognizing signs of abuse
Love isn't violence
An article that outlines abusive behavior and gives suggestions for next steps if you think you're experiencing abuse. Love isn't violence and violence isn't our culture.
The purpose of the list is to help identify harmful behaviors. Not every person with these behaviors is an abuser or potential abuser. Abusers practice power and control.
People with abusive behavior create situations where their partners will submit to their desires. The desires can be sexual, emotional, and psychological desires. One partner usually feels they have the right and power to control the other.
In the beginning
Quick involvement
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Does or did your partner...
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come on too strong, too soon?
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did they immediately begin planning for a future with you?
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start early in the relationship giving you too many gifts, too much attention, or constant phone, video and IM chats?
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make you feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship?
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expect you to meet all of their needs and take care of everything emotionally and domestically?
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Rigid sex roles
Does your partner...
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expect you to serve them?
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see you as inferior to them?
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put you on a pedestal, but say that they are above you?
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see that only you are responsible for menial tasks, chores, or housework?
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think you are unable to be whole without a relationship?
As time goes on
Unpredictable dual personality "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. or Ms. Hyde"
Does your partner...
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shift moods quickly?
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show explosive behavior and moodiness?
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make you or your children feel unsafe because your partner's actions are unpredictable?
Jealousy
Does your partner...
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Equate jealously with love?
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Question you about who you talk to?
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Accuse you of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others?
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Call frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly?
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Refuse to let you work?
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Check your car mileage?
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Ask friends to watch the you?
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Track where you go with an app on your phone or by gps?
Controlling behavior
Does your partner...
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make decisions for you without your knowledge?
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question your decision-making skills?
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control all of the finances?
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use threats to control your behavior like saying they'll kill themselves if you leave or threaten to kill or that they will injure members of your family?
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tell you what to wear?
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determine when you can leave and where you can go?
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put everything in their name and control all assets?
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abuse you psychologically or talk about your intelligence?
You start to think that maybe you're alone.
Isolation
Does your partner...
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attempt to isolate by criticizing and severing ties with family and friends?
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accuse your family and friends of being "troublemakers?"
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block access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home?
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punish you? Say that you need to be abused because you aren't learning?
The question isn't whether your partner loves you, it's whether you and your family feel safe in the presence of your partner.
Verbal abuse
Does your partner...
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say things that are meant to be cruel, hurtful, or degrading?
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put down your accomplishments?
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ignore or dismiss your feelings?
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yell and berate you?
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intimidate you verbally?
Blames others for problems
Does your partner...
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blame you for all problems or for their own shortcomings?
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believe that someone is out to get them?
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believe that no one ever listens to them and if they did they would see that you were just as much to blame as they were?
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blame others for their almost everything?
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say that you are "hurting them by not doing what they want?" or that "you control how they feel?"
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seem to be easily insulted or perceive the slightest setback as a personal attack?
Escalating violence
Cruelty to animals or kids
Does your partner...
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expect your child to perform duties beyond their capabilities?
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whipped or hit a child for wetting a diaper, teased them until they cried, tried to pit kids against each other?
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threaten your pets or children?
Violate boundaries during sex
Does your partner...
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try restraining you against your will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the you are helpless?
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initiate sex when you are asleep, when you did not give them consent at an earlier point in time? demand sex when the partner is ill or tired?
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show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance?
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expect you to have sex no matter how you feel?
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perform sexual acts that you don't agree to?
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Past hurtful behavior
Does your partner...
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have a history of abuse with his past partners?
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Did an ex-partner ever reach out to you to claim they were abused?
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Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Abusers usually have a pattern.
Threats of violence
Does your partner...
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make threats of physical force meant to control your actions?
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does your partner tell you that "everyone talks or acts like they do" when they are violent? Everyone doesn't talk or act like that. Making threats to your partner is a sign of an abuse and dysfunction.
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punish you by breaking sentimental possessions or to terrorize you into doing what they want?
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hold you down against your will?
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physically restrain you from leaving, by pushing, blocking or shoving. Holding someone back in order to make demands, such as "You will listen to me!" is also a show of force.
Staying Safe
If you or your children are have felt threatened, controlled, or abused in your relationship
It's time to start thinking about your options. Whether you leave or stay is up to you. If you choose to leave your next step will be to create a safety plan. This will allow you to gather the resources you need to start the next part of your journey.
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The question isn't whether your partner loves you, it's whether you and your family feel safe in the presence of your partner.
You can't force someone to change negative behavior. If your partner doesn't see their behavior as wrong or unacceptable, change isn't the next step in their journey.
Changing means they will have to go against everything they will normally want to do like lie, cheat, be manipulative, feel like "poor me". It means they have to take full responsibility and be honest with themselves. That's a difficult journey.
Change can be a lifetime process. They'll need help and time to do this, but you also deserve to live in a safe home regardless of whether they decide to make these changes.
Love is not violence.