We grow up hearing the same things repeated about survivors of domestic violence and people who have abusive behavior. We are taught that victims/survivors who get into abusive relationships bear some blame for their abuse.
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Why do we (the community) defend abusers?
The way we see & talk about abuse
Few of us want to think of ourselves as ever getting into a situation where someone else uses power to manipulate and control. Abusers are our family members and friends, we have a hard time believing that they could behave one way toward us and another toward people they feel they have direct control over
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We don't realize that the abusive person has a pattern. We think it's a single instance.
in survivor's shoes
When domestic violence survivors fight back in the black community it is often applauded.
The flip side of this admiration has a devastating effect on exposing survivors to more violence from abusive partners and the criminal justice system.
"Mandatory arrest policies for domestic violence police calls have not only led to more women being arrested, but devastatingly for Black women in particular, increased likelihood of being killed by the abusive partner."
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Black domestic violence survivors are criminalized on all sides
People who experience abuse may believe their love can "fix" the abuser after years of reading, hearing, and being lectured about people giving up on relationships too easily.
"Where there's guns, the odds of death are greater, the odds of secondary victims are greater, and the odds of murder-suicide are greater."
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Domestic murder victims are dying in Dallas without so much as a cry for help
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"Many black women are also taught to protect the race at all cost" - Zoë Flowers.
let's talk about it
We defend abusive people because we're repeating ideas and values that we were taught about order and fairness.
We rely on "common sense", even though there are decades of fact-based studies and evidence about domestic violence that prove the opposite of what we believe.
We believe the survivor isn't fighting back...
When women have no choice but to injure or kill a partner to save their own lives they are punished for it.
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Racism, sexism, safety, support systems, criminal records, and financial stability play a part in whether survivors will be able to maintain their independence after leaving.
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Black domestic violence survivors are criminalized on all sides
We think the survivor should just leave...
Abusers often lash out in an attempt to regain control over their partner or may resort to extreme violence, even homicide, because they feel they have nothing left to lose.
“The thing that I did not know that was so revealing to me was that anywhere between 50% and 75% of domestic violence homicides happen at the point of separation or after [the victim] has already left [her abuser],” says Cynthia Hill, director of HBO’s Private Violence.
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Leaving can require a safety plan.
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Private Violence: up to 75% of abused women who are murdered are killed after they leave their partners
Abusers often groom friends, family, and others to overlook signs of abuse and cut ties with the victim.
They strategically act charming and helpful, so people cannot imagine the cruel acts occurring behind closed doors.
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Resources are Stretched
The Dallas Morning News reported in October 2015 that an average of 630 callers are denied shelter every month in the city. Homeless shelters are reporting 15-30% of their intake come from a domestic violence situation.
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Families to Freedom
Barriers to help
“We just don't trust systems,” said Victoria Grant, Justice System Advocate for the Domestic Violence & Child Advocacy Center.
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“Because systems have never worked in our favor,” she said.
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CDC: Black women experience highest rates of homicide of any racial group in the United States
Our reasons
When people with abusive behavior shift blame to the victim, we feel it's only fair to listen to both sides.
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We believe the abuser has a reason for their behavior and that the survivor could stop it, if they would listen.
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Women who have been battered are held to a different standard
Many women fear alerting authorities, because doing so can provoke their partners to extreme violence. Moreover, authorities often fail to protect battered women and their children.
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What did she do? If she like it I love it.
Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other crime.
Abusers make a choice to abuse. There are no studies that show women like being abused.
She is just in it for the money. Why didn't she leave before?
Many women who have experienced physical and psychological abuse, also experience financial abuse.
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To start a new life, survivors will need money, housing, and a support system. Survivors may also need mental health services to deal with depression, PTSD, or physical medial recovery.
She know how he is. Why did she go back?
Leaving abuse is a process, not a one time event. Just like it takes time to learn an unhealthy behavior, it takes time to unlearn it.
We may think that we are just telling it like it is, or the survivor can't handle the truth. We have to learn how to support survivors, without trying to control them.
I can recognize an abuser when I see one, why can't they?
There is no typical abuser in domestic violence. It happens across all ethnic, sexual, gender, class, and race lines.
"In Dallas County, the most likely type of person to be killed by a romantic partner is a black woman, age 20 to 29.
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Experts say this is not because black men are more violent. Rather, black women are more vulnerable to domestic violence due to a constellation of factors, including high rates of poverty, lack of access to resources and systemic racism within systems designed to help victims of abuse."
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Mixed Signals
Black survivors face barriers to getting domestic violence services, therapy, and law enforcement.
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They receive mixed signals about protecting black abusers, breaking up their families, and being a statistic because leaving an unhealthy situation may make them a single parent.
Domestic violence hurts survivors as well as their families. In 2016, 146 women in Texas alone were killed by their intimate partners, and 24 others were killed alongside those women. Four bystanders were injured. 186 children were left without a parent.