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Be Accountable Every Day  

You owe it to yourself

You owe it to yourself to stop trying to control, mold, fix, and manipulate your loved ones. The anxiety, fear, and insecurity at the core of power and control issues are a prison. Free yourself by getting help. 

 

  • Understand how abusive actions make people you’re hurting feel, without feeling sorry for yourself or like no one ever takes your side.

    • Acknowledge the truth: caring for someone deeply doesn’t stop you from hurting or abusing them.

    • It’s not okay to use previous abuse as an excuse for your behavior or to try to shut your family or partner down.
       

  • Give survivors their space!

    • Don't continue to contact a loved one after they have asked you not to or if they do not respond to you..

    • Don’t obsess over them or imagine stories about how they are betraying/cheating on you.

    • Don’t try to prove how much you love them or how sad you are without them. It’s manipulative.

    • Don’t assume you know how the survivor thinks, acts or feels. Remember this is how you view their actions, it is not a fact. 
       

  • Recognize when you are trying to use your children or pets to control your partner.

DO: Positive

DO: Positive

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  • Remember there are consequences for your actions.
     

  • Change requires hard work. It will require consistent work and practice daily.

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  • Take responsibility for your language and actions when interacting with your loved ones.
     

  • Plan on how you will remove yourself if the situation becomes abusive:

    • How will you prevent your kids from growing up in an abusive environment? [stats] Check out stats for children who see abuse.

    • What will you do if you become violent or abusive while you are visiting or speaking to the survivor?

    • What will you do to stay safe and to make sure you are not putting the victim at risk with your behavior in the event that you see them again?

    • Be honest about whether the visit went well after each visit. Did the kids seem scared or standoffish? This does not mean that your partner is coaching the kids, it much more strongly means the kids are genuinely frightened of your abusive behavior.

Own it
Positivity

Don't

  • Don't focus on how the victim isn’t perfect.
     

  • Don't blame your abusive actions on your ex or partner. Just because bystanders are silent or agree with what you did doesn't mean you were right or correct.
     

  • Abuse isn't a form of punishment or teaching someone a lesson. It is a destructive behavior that causes harm to people you care about.
     

  • Don’t make excuses for abusing your family or partner.
     

  • Don’t take property from the victim or check their social media accounts obsessively.

Don't

  • Don’t expect forgiveness.
     

  • Changing can’t just be to get the victim back. This behavior is manipulative.
     

  • Don’t use their religion, gender, race, sexuality or other identities to try to convince them to forgive you.
     

  • It is abusive to try and control the victim’s healing process by telling them to get over it or trying to convince them the abuse wasn't that bad. 
     

  • Don’t bring in family members to pressure the victim to drop charges or to have the victim stay with you.
     

  • Don’t assume you know what the victim thinks, acts, feels or is doing.

DOn't

  • Don't try to make your abusive behavior  seem less serious by downplaying your abuse. ​​​​This creates an instant mistrust between you and the people you love.
     

  • Don't hold on to behavior that is no longer useful for where you are and where you want to go in your life. 
     

  • Don’t punish yourself or be abusive to yourself because you were abusive. ​​​​
     

  • Don’t harass or humiliate the victim online or in person.​
     

  • Don't wish for how things could be better, work on how you can make yourself a more stable and healthy person. 

Don't do this
Practice change

  • Learn how to recognize unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
     

  • Admit and acknowledge abuse to the person who accuses you.

    • Admit abuse to a friend or a support group who can help hold you accountable.

    • If you can’t acknowledge it is happening, it will be harder to successfully change it.

    • Admit unhealthy behavior without using but or excusing yourself.
       

  • Choose to stop behaving in a way that causes emotional, physical, sexual, financial, verbal or physical harm to others. Each time you are presented with the opportunity to change, take it.
     

  • Stop describing your abuse as “losing control”.

    • You do not lose control with your boss at work, random people at the grocery store/mall, or police officers.

    • “Losing control” with your family or partner is not a loss, but rather acting out to show power and enforce control.

Do:Positive

Do: Positive

  • Discuss your responses with a professional, support group or friend.
     

  • If your friend thinks your abusive behavior is okay, explain to them why you do not want to be abusive.
     

  • Focus on your own actions

    • Instead of asking why your loved one doesn't leave, think about why your actions may make your survivor feel trapped.

    • Ask yourself why you aren’t leaving.

    • Reflect on how you can move forward.
       

  • Avoid pretending to change in order to get your mate back.
     

  • Focus on changing your own behavior and not on changing the behavior of the victim.
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  • Hold yourself accountable for changing your behavior.
     

  • Practice skills that will help you hold yourself accountable and that will break the pattern you currently have in place.

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