So many people talk about love
But we don't really talk about what happens in healthy and unhealthy relationships
There's a myth about love. Movies, books, friends and family spend a lot of time telling us that it is easy, perfect, effortless, forever, and endless. We base a lot of our beliefs on how the people we love treat each other and how they treat us.
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Love is a big topic, but we don't really learn how to love. There's no class on it in school, and rarely do any two people describe it the same way. That's why it's important to focus on what is healthy and what is unhealthy in relationships.
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In healthy relationships, partners respect each other's boundaries. Partners hear each other out, instead of trying to shut each other down. They require work to keep them healthy.
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Our attitudes about love show what we value. Usually, we value our family, culture, religion, and interests.
We may feel it is more important to protect our partner, family, or culture than it is to protect ourselves.
In the media, statistics and stories about our lives as black people are often negative. We don't want to turn into or be what society thinks of us.
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What people say about us is different from the way we see ourselves. We want safe lives for our family, a stable environment, and love.
It is hard to think that the person we love is hurting us, that our love isn't perfect, and that we don't have to be perfect. The pressure to be perfect can make it difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship.
There's a lot of pressure to be a"ride or die" type. Loyalty is good. But, being loyal to someone who puts you down, emotionally hurts you, forces you to have sex, or makes you feel unsafe is not healthy.
Do checkins with yourself
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Can you speak up or have a different opinion than your partner without fear of being attacked or put down?
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In a healthy relationship, you can express yourself if something is bothering you. Your partner tries to make time to talk about the things that are important to you.
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Do you respect each other?
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Your partner’s wishes and feelings have value, and so do yours. Let your loved one know you are trying to keep their ideas in mind. Shared respect is maintains healthy relationships.
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It's natural for relationships to end.
It doesn't mean you're a failure.
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Do you both compromise and share in responsibilities equally?
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Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships.
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It's okay to disagree with each other.
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Do you try to solve conflicts in a way that doesn't involve fear?
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Does your partner try to make you feel guilty when you are sick?
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Every one needs rest. Even you.
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Are you and your partner supportive of one another?
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Do you encourage each other?
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Can you let your partner know when you need their support.
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Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
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Do you respect each other’s privacy?
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Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to share everything or constantly be together.
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Each person needs to have their own identity, interests, and hobbies.
Boundaries - You need them no matter how long you've been together.
By setting boundaries for yourself and with your partner, you can both have a deeper understanding of the type of relationship that you want. When boundaries aren't in place, you may feel like the other person runs over you.
Boundaries are not meant to make you feel trapped or like you’re “walking on eggshells.” They're meant to define what you both want or need out of the relationship. There is no guarantee that you will both want the same things or that the relationship will survive.
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Creating boundaries is not a sign of secrecy or distrust — it’s an expression of what makes you feel comfortable and what you would like or not like to happen within the relationship.
Don't ignore red flags.
Trust your instincts.
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You matter.
Healthy boundaries shouldn’t stop you from:
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Going out with your friends without your partner.
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Participating in activities and hobbies you like.
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Keeping passwords to your email, social media accounts or phone to yourself.
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Respecting each other’s individual likes and needs.
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Telling your partner not to share nudes or private photos of you.
When could a relationship be unhealthy?
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In the early stages of an abusive relationship, you may not think the unhealthy behaviors are a big deal. You may even see them as loving or think that's it's nice that the person feels strongly about you.
Unhealthy relationships involve unequal power and control for one partner. They are not built on equality and respect. You may have noticed that the abusive person doesn't act the same way with their boss, parents, or in public.
This is not okay. These behaviors are about power and control:
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Possessiveness
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Insults
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Jealous accusations
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Yelling
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Choking
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Humiliation
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Sexual coercion
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Pushing
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Verbal, emotional or other abusive behaviors
If you think your relationship is unhealthy, it’s important to think about your safety. Consider these points as you move forward:
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You can’t force your partner to change their behavior.
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They may not believe their actions are wrong.
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They are their own person. You can only control yourself.
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Which means you need to focus on your own needs.
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Are you taking care of yourself?
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Are you stressed?
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If you find that your relationship is draining you, consider ending it.
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Connect with your friends and family.
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Often, abusive people try to isolate their partners.
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Your friends and family may not realize that by not talking to you they are helping the abusive person get what they want.
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Talk to anyone you consider a safe person to make sure you’re getting the emotional support you need.
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Think about leaving the relationship if your safety or mental health are in danger. You deserve to feel safe in your home and relationship.
​Where should I go next?