It may be what everyone does, but it's not healthy.
You have the power to change.
Change is a process and it requires time. But it's worth it for your freedom, safety, loved ones, and your community.
It’s a big step to be able to realize that you don’t have everything under control. Acknowledging you need help is a first step to creating a safer environment for you and your loved ones. Every case won't end in death, but every case does involve doing harm to people we love as we try to control how they behave, where they can go, who they can talk to, and how they are "supposed" to be.
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Mind your business - intimate partner violence
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Laying down some ground rules
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The Family Place (BIPP group) (214) 692-8295
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Hope's Door New Beginnings Center (972) 422-2911
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Children First BIPP Groups (972) 264-0604
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It's not just anger
To protect ourselves, we tell our family things like "mind your business", "what goes on in this house, stays..", and we tell our loved ones about "not putting our business in the street".
Just because they are silent, doesn't mean everything is OK.
Mind your business
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior within a relationship where one person uses power and control to humiliate, demean, degrade, embarrass, force, coerce, or hurt the other.
We manipulate our family, friends and loved ones into silence by making abuse seem less serious, blaming the person surviving our abusive behavior, and explaining away abuse.
We feel that no one understands our point of view and that we are the true victim. But if we attend programs to unlearn traditionally abusive behavior, we'll see there are others just like us.
Stopping your behavior and need to control is your business.
Common excuses for abusive behavior
Everything is not okay.
When people with abusive behavior describe domestic violence, it is described as a one-time thing to make the abuse seem equal or justified, but it's a pattern.
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Jealousy ("Where have you been?" "I don't want you hanging out with them." "I'm only jealous because I love you.")
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Controlling behavior (Taking decision making away from our partners, controlling the kind of job they can have, when they can leave the house, bathe, eat, or needing permission to do things)
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Isolation ("Why do you have to hang out with them?", "I should be the center of your world.")
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Sexual abuse (Forcing our partner to have sex against their will, tampering with birth control, coercing our partner to have sex with a friend, forcing sex when the partner is asleep without their consent.)
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Rigid gender roles (Believing that our partner's job is just to cater to us, saying that we are the “king of the castle.”, Thinking that it is just "the natural order" to dominate our parter)
Ground rules for making change
Some Movies, song lyrics, tv shows, and our communities often portray unhealthy, abusive, and controlling behaviors as love. The same way we learn this behavior, we must unlearn and question it.
Don't use common unhealthy attitudes about abuse as a guide for how you treat people you love. Try to recognize when you are using abusive behavior to get what you want. It's one of the steps to unlearning abusive behavior.
Holding Ourselves Accountable
We need to practice holding ourselves accountable for our actions, without relying on "if", "and", or "but".
Examples:
"..if you didn't x, then I wouldn't have..."
"I'm sorry and I shouldn't have done that, but.."
"and what about what you did?"
It’s tough. We often want to do the right thing, but don’t because of pride, real consequences, and feeling like this didn't have to happen if only the person being abused would listen.
The consequences for our abusive behavior may restrict our access to opportunity, housing, community, or our family.
Even though we know the behavior is harmful and violent, we may not admit to it because we are afraid to face the consequences (the court system, family, or friends).
We may believe we are right to treat our spouses, lovers, and family this way because we grew up seeing it as acceptable. It is not okay that we grew up with abuse and it is wrong to continue the cycle.
Do: Educate yourself
Statistics are made up of single stories.
Numbers don't lie
Black and brown women are killed at a higher rate by their partners in the United States, with a lot of the violence happening in the American South.
Source: Let's Talk about Domestic Violence in the Black community.
High Risk
More than half of female homicide victims were killed in connection to intimate partner violence.
Source: CDC: Half Of All Female Homicide Victims Are Killed By Intimate Partners
Not an enemy
Black women are less likely to call the police statistically. They don’t want to contribute to locking Black men up.
But survivors need to stay safe.
Harsher punishments
Black & brown men are more likely to experience harsher sentences for domestic violence than their white counterparts. You owe it to yourself to learn to let go of controlling the victim.
Source: Black men receive longer sentences than white men for the same crime.
Kids know
1 in 15 kids are exposed to domestic violence each year. 90% of those kids witnessed domestic violence.
Source: Let's Talk about Domestic Violence in the Black community.
Don't: justify abusive behavior
You have the ability to change your story.
Focus on yourself
It is not your job to "fix", "mold", "train" or "save" your partner. You can't change or fix others even if you believe your way is what's best.
You can't control them
The person you hurt has a different point of view about your behavior, what makes them feel safe, and how they want to be treated than you have.
It is not your job to change their point of view.
Watch what you say
Don't insult the person you hurt or try to control their actions. The survivor is not a whore, slut, skank, bitch, tranny, fag, crazy, or other names you use to abuse and humiliate them.
Don’t repeat this behavior. It’s not helpful for taking accountability.
Men are victims, too
1 in 10 men reports experiencing sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking violence during their lifetime.
Talk to trained professionals in your community to begin healing from the abuse you experienced. This does not give you a pass to hurt others.
What's in your control
Focus less on "someone is trying to get you in trouble" and more on "how you can help yourself remain out of trouble".
Even if you were being provoked by your loved ones, it is your responsibility to manage your own behavior and emotions.
“It’s very disturbing to watch case after case unfold and know there were a bunch of warning signs that are easy to read.”
Mollee Westfall, District Court Judge
Source: From domestic violence to murder
This is Unhealthy
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Obsessing over your partner
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Texting them non-stop
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Asking where they are repeatedly
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Following/stalking
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Posting their nudes on social media
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Pressuring partners for nudes
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Trying to control who your partner can hang out with
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Threats, choking, hitting or pushing
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Manipulating your partner by testing their reactions
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Controlling their birth control
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Trying to get your partner pregnant against their will.
Challenge Yourself
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Work to understand why your reactions are abusive.
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Why do you think violence is the way to get your point across?
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What things have you experienced that might cause you to believe hitting or using abusive language with someone you love is okay?
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Get comfortable challenging your own reactions and beliefs.
Take Accountability
You might believe things about “abusers” and how they “abuse” which aren’t true. These beliefs can prevent us from viewing our behavior as abusive.
Friends and family may try to help you, be careful that they are not encouraging you to blame your partner for your abusive behavior.
Practice being accountable every day. It's a process and takes time.
We can't prepare ourselves or our children by ignoring the changes in the legal system or society's attitudes towards violence.
Check yourself
The world is changing. You may be able to justify traditionally abusive behaviors to yourself, but that doesn’t make the behavior right, just, or legal.
Getting Real
Having abusive behavior doesn't always mean you're abusive every day. But abuse doesn't have to happen everyday to have a lasting impact on your partner or kids.
Do not expect people who have survived your abusive behavior to wait for you to get better. The number one priority for a survivor must be their safety and emotional health.
This is a journey you need to take and you need to accept that wanting to avoid abuse does not equal not being abusive.
This list is not a substitute for professional or group therapy. Behavior Change Programs can help you hold yourself accountable for abusive behavior.
People who have learned abusive behavior need access to programs that can help create accountability and change.
If you decide not to reach out to help, it doesn't mean you don't have a problem. It means that you're choosing to ignore the behavior and normalize it.