Supporting Survivors Pt. 2

Continued from Supporting Survivors part 1.

What does it mean to you to support a domestic violence survivor? What if the kind of help you want to offer isn't the kind of help the victim of abuse feels they need?

Try not to blame or accuse the person experiencing abuse.

Attitudes that blame the person being abused can create feelings of shame, defensiveness, and embarrassment. Instead of examining the blunt unsweetened tea that we’re bringing them, it often leaves people who experience abuse in a position of trying to hide what’s happening from family, community, and friends.

Very few people want to be seen as a victim, despite talk that goes on in barber and beauty shops and speculation about how the victim must be fine with it because they stay in the situation.

We can’t make the decision of when to leave a toxic situation or abusive relationship for our loved one, even though we feel the sooner they leave the better off they will be. If an abused person isn’t ready to start a new path, help them do something the abuser usually doesn’t help them do: feel confident in controlling their own situation.

As a person being abused, you can’t feel confident if you leave one person who “tells you everything would be fine if you just listened” for another person doing the same thing no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

Recovery is a step by step process that happens daily. Some people may leave immediately and never look back. Others may take a longer process or return to the abusive partner several times before they have the confidence or support system to walk away.

The focus can't be only on leaving, it must include healing and a plan for what comes next. Leaving is not the end of the story, leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship and in fact is when most victims are murdered.

While leaving to you may seem as simple as packing up your bags and going. Leaving takes thoughtful planning, requires established support and needs to be done safely, especially when there are children involved.

Even if your first conversation doesn't lead to change, you will have planted the seeds of deserving a healthy relationship, freedom, and love free from abuse. You can help by reassuring them that they have power and control to make good decisions.

If you plan to have this talk, reach out to a domestic violence program to discuss the best way to address your loved one and to practice what you might say to get feedback.

Remind your friend or loved one of a time they needed to do something that was difficult and achieved it, one step at a time. Remember the ways they are growing and have grown. Share positive stories, affirmations, and reflections on their good decisions. It can encourage them to gather the strength needed to achieve their goals.

Shaming them only means that in their darkest hours, the words you say will serve the same purpose as the words of the abuser. And that’s not what you want. We don’t want to be so harsh that our loved ones can’t talk with us for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or worse validating their worst fears about themselves.

It’s not easy to have these conversations. But they are necessary when you’re trying to encourage someone to create a healthier relationship and a safe-space for themselves to grow.

Supporting Survivors Part 3 > Managing your Expectations and Taking care of yourself

• Learn about Abuse and Watch Survivor Stories

• What is a healthy relationship?

• What is abuse?

• Intimate Partner Violence aka domestic abuse

• Recognizing Domestic Abuse

• Violence against men & boys

• Domestic abuse +children

• Domestic violence programs in DFW

• What is a safety plan?