Supporting Survivors Pt. 3
- beyondthesparkle
- Nov 11, 2018
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 2, 2019
continued from Supporting Survivors part 2
Let's talk about the survivor. They're not going to hate the abuser just because you do. Even when they leave, it will pain them when you talk about their abuser and put him down. You're being negative about a person that she loves and who may be the father of her children.
She loves him. She built a life with him. The same thing goes for when the partner is of any gender or sexual orientation.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, in 2016 Houston had the second highest number of abuse calls placed to the organization, statewide. And Texas is second in the country. The most reported type of abuse was emotional/verbal.
Unfortunately, many are led to believe that emotional abuse isn’t as serious as physical or sexual abuse, but that is actually quite the opposite. Emotional abuse can leave hidden scars that the individual will carry with them their whole lives, and unless they seek help, they’ll most likely experience some issues in their future relationships.
"According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, in 2016 Houston had the second highest number of abuse calls placed to the organization, statewide. And Texas is second in the country.
The most reported type of abuse was emotional/verbal. "Unfortunately, many are led to believe that emotional abuse isn’t as serious as physical or sexual abuse, but that is actually quite the opposite.
Emotional abuse can leave hidden scars that the individual will carry with them their whole lives, and unless they seek help, they’ll most likely experience some issues in their future relationships."
-Source LegacyCommunityHealth.org
People who experience abuse accept responsibility for things for things that aren't theirs. They think that they can change the abuser and because of what they have experienced together, the abuser has often created an "us against the world" atmosphere for the victim.
Once you understand that the victim won't just stop loving her abuser or leave her relationship, you can do.
Being supportive even when it's frustrating
It’s important that you mange your expectations about the impact of your support. You can’t save anyone but you can be there for them, unconditionally.
If you think of yourself as a rescuer, you can easily end up feeling frustrated and resentful. It can lead to moments where you want to cry out, “why don’t you just leave?”, “just listen to me and go talk to this organization!”, or even “I spent all this time researching services for you and you didn’t even call me back!”
It’s not uncommon for people to want to rescue others. While it’s well-intentioned, when we try to solve other’s problems for them, we take away their power to make change.
At the same time, supporting someone in an abusive situation can be difficult and scary. As we mentioned already, get support for yourself from the local domestic violence agency. If you’re a survivor, it’s especially important to take care of yourself so you are not triggered and reliving your own trauma history.
If You Remember Nothing Else
If all this seems overwhelming, the words and actions that a victim usually wants to hear may seem counterintuitive, but they want to hear that you'll be there for them. Try saying, “No matter what you decide to do, I will support you and I will be here for you whenever you need me.”
Or if you can’t or don’t want to say that, how about, “There are free and confidential services that can help you any time of the day or night. You are not alone.”
With these words, you’ve respected their boundaries and reflected back that you trust them to make the best decision for themselves.
And if you say this often enough, it may rise above the abuser’s voice long enough for them to take action to end the abuse.
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