Common sense can be wrong.

We can change the way we think about abuse and help survivors by changing just one thing.

photo by @nappy

We need to challenge "common sense" responses to survivors, because they are often ill-informed.

Domestic violence awareness groups and domestic violence studies say the most dangerous time for a woman can be when she is leaving or even after she has left.

But "common sense" tells us that leaving is easy.

Common Sense arguments:

"Obviously, she doesn't love herself"

"Everyone knows, you should do x"

"It goes without saying that x"

Common sense is the idea that there is shared reasoning that everyone knows or should know.

Common sense is defined as sound practical judgment concerning everyday matters, or a basic ability to perceive, understand, and judge that is shared by ("common to") nearly all people.

- Wikipedia

However, common sense can be wrong. It is often based on cultural norms and untested wisdom. And by not testing the "wisdom", it allows the thinking to grow and settle in.

Common sense can be useful when the situation is simple and there are few factors involved. But Common Sense doesn't apply to complex situations. Here are some examples where common sense has changed and used to lead people to drawing incorrect conclusions.

Because of common sense reasoning:

• We used to believe the Earth was flat.

• We thought that heavier things fell faster than lighter ones (they don't, they both fall at the same speed).

• We thought the sun rotated around the Earth, because that's what we thought made the most sense based on the information we had.

• We used to think that 2 brown-eyed people couldn't make a blue-eyed baby or that two dark skinned people couldn't make a light skinned baby.

• We used to think domestic violence was mostly something alcoholic husbands did to their wives.

• Since the 19th century, black people have been stereotyped as feeling less physical pain. You and I know that we feel just as much pain as anyone else, but this belief that "everyone knows" has lead Med students who held more false beliefs to assess the pain of a theoretical black patient as less severe.

Just like the above statements were wrong, often what we think of as common sense motivators for staying/leaving a relationship that is abusive are wrong.

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We can do better

Here's a list of hurtful things that domestic violence survivors regularly hear from the people who are supposed to be their support systems.

We think we're doing and saying things that build survivors up, but really what we're doing is making it harder for them to leave by questioning their intelligence, love, respect for themselves, values, and other things core to their identity.

Maybe what we aren't thinking about is how often the abuser has also been doing this to the victim.

Stop and think, before you say these things to a survivor. Speak up, if you hear someone else say it to a survivor of intimate partner violence.

Recognize these phrases for what they are when you see them.

"Common Sense" assumptions & arguments:

She knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted this.

I have a hard time feeling sorry for victims of domestic abuse. They can just leave at any time.

If he was treating her so bad it’s not that hard to leave

I’ve seen plenty of women get beat up by a man and still stay. I have even helped many escape and they ran right back to the abuser.

She must be happy with the situation. If she likes it, I love it.

This would never happen to me, because my self esteem isn’t low.

I’m smart enough to know not to let a man mistreat me or raise his voice at me.

I love me way too much to be abused.

This is what happens when you try to hold on to a man that does not want you.

You need to respect yourself. If you don't respect you, he won't respect you.

I will never in my life allow a man to have power over me.

I thought you were smarter than that.

I don't think he/she did it. The kids love them too much for it to be true.

They don’t deserve the title of a mother/father. It’s one thing if he/she wants to be abused and put her life in danger, but leave the kids out of it.

The next time he lays hands on her he just may kill her! And that's all on her....

This is a sad situation, but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

She/he is willing to stick around for dat bag.

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The next time you see someone using one of these arguments, challenge them.

1. Remind them that black women are 3 times more likely to die at the hands of intimate partner violence.
   

2. Based on financial data black women may make more than their abusers.
   

3. Almost half of African American women killed by their partner are in the process of leaving their relationships when they are killed.
   

4. Most battered women who kill in self-defense end up in prison. Black women protecting themselves are often not seen as victims and can't use "Stand Your Ground" laws as protection.
   

5. Black women and other marginalized people are especially likely to be prosecuted and criminalized trying to survive domestic violence.They are more likely to face mandatory arrest policies when they call the police.
   

6. 64% of black women who were killed knew their killers and were wives, ex-wives, or girlfriends of their killers. That's not 1 woman making bad decisions. That speaks to attitudes about who women belong to and what their roles are in the community.
   

7. We now know that domestic abuse can affect anyone, it's not just the poor, drunk, or unemployed. Rappers, actors, lawyers, sports icons, bus drivers, store clerks, preachers, pastors, reverends, little league coaches, sex workers, or drug abusers -- anyone can be touched by domestic violence.

Ask people to challenge their common sense beliefs, by looking up information that may prove the things they've always thought of as right just might be wrong.